Over weight, out of shape and hating life.
At some point or another I am sure all of us have felt that way. Perhaps somewhere in the world there is a person born hating cheeseburgers, french fries and alfredo sauce; I am not that person. I was born a pasta eater. The kind of person who eats gallons of toffee crunch ice cream in secret, huddled under a blanket. I always wanted to work out more. I wanted to eat fewer cheeseburgers. I wanted to drink less wine and drink more water. I wanted to.
But I never followed through and actually DID any of those things.
I lost weight the twenty-something way. Through large amounts of cocaine so I could skip dinner. I got my cardio in by taking ecstacy and dancing at night clubs four nights (turned mornings) a week. I gained weight the twenty-something way too. Smoking marijuana and eating the entire kitchen and all the fast food I could shovel in my face the other three days of the week.
My body had no idea when I would eat. When I would drink water instead of booze, or if I even would. My bad lifestyle was hard on my body, my happiness and it wreaked hell on my ambitions. My youthful indiscretions (to put it really really nicely) showed… all over my face. My skin would look as hellacious as I felt. Every time I started to level out and my face would begin to clear up, another drug fueled weekend sent it spiraling into the straight chipmunk chow zone.
My body was constantly starved of nutrients and would hang on to every last bad calorie I ate and drank. This made my weight bounce from va-va-voom! to “Holy Cow! Did you eat the whole freaking COW?!?!”.
My skin never looked good, I was constantly coating the old makeup with new makeup, most of the time without washing my face or hands first.
So GROSS! I know right?
It was humiliating! Isolating! And not super great for my self esteem. I spent too much money on food and booze trying to make myself feel better and far too little on myself.
I could never seem to get past that first part. The really hard part that has sore muscles, no results and no chocolate.
The part that made me feel fat and ugly. Because I was. My outside was a mess, but my heart was even more disgusting. I was selfish, shallow and indifferent. I was so self involved I could make a banana look compassionate. The kind of person that looks terrible under the sun, I avoided daylight. That light was too harshly real, and hid none of my flaws. I tried to hide my flaws and lose weight thinking that was the reason I was a social pariah. I tried coke and molly. I tried booze and meth. I tried doing it with over the counter pills, anything to lose weight and boost my self esteem. THEN!
I decided to try something crazy. I got rid of all that regimented tiny box weigh in daily make myself feel like a failure shit. And I began to try something a little more….
I started small. I didn’t freak out about being perfect . I didn’t even try to lose weight. My first goal was to start drinking more water every day. Eventually a gallon became the goal, but my FIRST goal was MORE. I added honey, pineapple juice and grated ginger in the beginning so the water would taste good. I didn’t stress about the sugar, I just wanted to drink more water and used what I had to make that goal a reality. The more water I drank, the more water I wanted. Eventually I cut out the honey. Then I made the goal of drinking a gallon of water per day. I still have that goal, but I don’t always make it. I usually do, and I don’t stress if the whole gallon isn’t drank, I just try each day as if I have NEVER FAILED and I keep trying. No big deal. It gets easier. Some days it’s harder. But in the end trying is better than not giving a shit, not taking a shot and making excuses why I can’t. So If you want to change your life, have tried and failed, maybe it is time you join me in a journey that makes you feel better about who you are every day.
One Day at a time. One realistic goal set. One realistic goal met, persistently tried. That is the secret to success. This is MY story. My motley miscellaneous Mind Blog.