PASS THE BUCK ALONG

“PASS THE BUCK ALONG”

“You don’t have to always pass the buck along!”

SNAP.

For some reason I heard those words and My world, cracked and re shaped. Something inside me rippled and I heard a sharp clear “SNAP!”

I had been wallowing beneath coherence, lost within my own splintered version of reality. Locked under the crushing weight of grief, the allure of madness growing stronger. Sweet insanity,soothing madness. The ever present, insistent Despair, fear, the overwhelming loss never failed to rob my legs of strength, forcing me on my knees. The mere thought of him released hysterical uncontrollable weeping that lasted until My body was out of tears and too exhausted to continue.  I was cut off by my grief, and by my insistence that he had NOT committed suicide. I knew he had been murdered. I had to find the TRUTH about Bae Bae!

I was losing myself, I was obsessed with finding his killers. I knew he had NOT committed suicide.  Thrashing wildly and sinking faster by the second, I was drowning. Drowning in the incapacitating quicksand of fear, loneliness, and madness.  The more days that passed after HE died, the further below I went.  I was lost in my grief,  and terrified by how scared Austin had been, he was never scared, and his last words to me.  “Trust no one! I’ will see you in two days! Be ready, we gotta get out of here!”.

We were running away. We made the plan. He was scared. Really scared. We were leaving.

 He’s DEAD. Trust only him. HE’S Dead

              WHO KILLED HIM.

    WHAT DIDN’T HE SAY.

   WHO IS THE KILLER

“You don’t always have to PASS THE BUCK ALONG Anna!”

Those words pierced the veil shrouding my mind and a piece of me snapped back into place. They brought me up one level. One level closer to sanity.

SNAP!

The word cracked like a whip against the outer shell of madness.

What the fuck!? Where the fuck is LANNA! She does the people thing for me! Why am I getting yelled at, and…. did I make this mess?

I came up and I was standing in the bakery, my boss staring at me with infuriated confusion on his face. His words spat out punctuated with disappointment, anger and something that sounded like relief . Disappointed by my defensive reaction to a small mistake. Angry that I had blamed my mistake on someone else. Relieved that I had made a mistake! The release command of PASS THE BUCK ALONG had rescued me from my madness, but I wasn’t happy to be back. I was not prepared to do the job that had been performed by Lanna all this time. Lanna did all the talking for me now, she did all the socializing and WORK! I remembered working in this place another Sunday.  A piece of me kept far below my subconscious had been bound years before, why I didn’t I remember that until now?  I had come back, and I don’t know why, I wasn’t ready! I still had so much grief  in me. I had knowingly succumbed to my madness. I knew that I might not come back. I knew that I might not have the strength to pull myself out of it, I had chosen to let the absence of reality grant me  its dumb relief. I needed to stop hurting more than I needed a firm grasp on reality. I had embraced the oblivion, with all of its dangers and uncertainties. The snap back to reality was welcome and also humbling.  I had been so sure that I was strong enough to bring myself back from madness! I must have already lost my mind.

I was awake after my rapid return to the surface of sanity, but not much else. I still wasn’t communicating very well, but I practiced learning the names of  all the people and faces around me. Everyone had all these expectations of me, because she could do them. But I couldn’t. She by the way, was me and also not me. She is gone now, I am just me all the time. Anna (me), Lanna (Boss Bitch), Lissa (Sweet Dove), Lexi (Athlete), and Quincey (Detective). They were a game I played. I would put them on like a coat in the morning, and  depending on who’s turn it was to play. Anna didn’t get to play very often. But All of them answered to Anna anyway. No one else knew about my game. The names were just for us to play. I didn’t realize it was crazy then. It was just a game.

I needed Lanna to take over for a while. I couldn’t stand to be Anna most of the time. Lanna has the confidence to make people trust her capability,  despite her lack of skill expericene and tendency to think of policy and procedure as guidelines for other people, Lanna was taking over more and more for me until I just stayed below in public all the time. She wasn’t REALLAY taking over for me. She was a game. I needed someone that could handle people.  She tried and she worked for a while, but in the end Lanna failed me. I gave up on being someone else, but she didn’t of . All I knew was that I had been underneath and suddenly come to in front of my boss. Something about the phrase, the tone, or the way the words sounded had changed something. My reality had changed and I began to come back to being me, a terrified, heartsick, lonely girl full of regret. The producers had many theories about what had happened because for a time, I had no idea. The producers decided I must have been hypnotized and gave me a memory to watch.

The air hung heavy with clouds of cigarette smoke shining blue and yellow, then red and green. Party lights cut through the room as I am led to the dance floor by the Hypnotist. Murmuring words in my ear he takes me underneath and molds my mind to his command. Around and around and Around he spins me. He was moving my moral compass backwards, spinning my ethics and my conscience. Turning my vision until I was blind and without scruples . My moral compass was twisted by the end of the dance. I had been flipped and the hypnotist was satisfied.

Hypnotist didn’t count on my poor hearing. So when he uttered the release phrase, it fell on my almost deaf ears and my mind wasn’t let go. I stayed with my compass pointed selfishly inward and it didn’t move from that point until my boss released me ten years later.

This is the theory Producers told me. It made sense at the time. Especially when I met another hypnotist. The problem with these theories from Rich is that I believed them. But no one believed me. So I stumbled through life trying to figure out how to become sane again, as all around me strangers pointed and laughed.

 

“You don’t have to always pass the buck along!”

SNAP.

For some reason I heard those words and My world, cracked and re shaped. Something inside me rippled and I heard a sharp clear “SNAP!”

I had been wallowing beneath coherence, lost within my own splintered version of reality. Locked under the crushing weight of grief, the allure of madness growing stronger. Sweet insanity,soothing madness. The ever present, insistent Despair, fear, the overwhelming loss never failed to rob my legs of strength, forcing me on my knees. The mere thought of him released hysterical uncontrollable weeping that lasted until My body was out of tears and too exhausted to continue.  I was cut off by my grief, and by my insistence that he had NOT committed suicide. I knew he had been murdered. Two days before his death, Austin and I made plans to run away. He told me ” Thrashing wildly in the quicksand pit of incapacitating lonesome madness.  The more days that passed after HE died, the further below I went.  I was lost in grief, unable to cope with human interaction without weeping With loss,  regret, and anger. BaeBae had NOT committed suicide. I knew it without a shadow of a doubt. I didn’t break into the crime scene. I just walked through  the door was open. But THERE WASN’T ONE. The place was a disaster. Every room was overturned and Those words pierced the veil shrouding my mind and a piece of me snapped back into place. They brought me up one level. One level closer to sanity.

“You don’t always have to PASS THE BUCK ALONG Anna!”

SNAP!

The word cracked like a whip against the outer shell of madness.

What the fuck. Why am I here? Where the fuck is LANNA! She does the people thing for me! Why am I getting yelled at, and…. did I make this mess?

I came up and I was standing in the bakery, my boss staring at me with anger on his face. He was pissed at me. I had made a mistake and she had blamed another employee. A piece of me had come back though, so I knew the right thing to do. I looked at him, and I understood. Things changed, and my reality changed. I was coming back to being me, coming back to sanity.

I was scared though. Really Fucking Scared. Scared of all the people and faces around me. Everyone had all these expectations of me, because she could do them. But I couldn’t. She by the way, was me and also not me. She is gone now, I am just me all the time. Anna (me), Lanna (Boss Bitch), Lissa (Sweet Dove), Lexi (Athlete), and Quincey (Detective). They were a game I played. I would put on different colors or costumes depending on who’s turn it was to play. Anna didn’t get to play very often. But All of them answered to Anna anyway. No one else knew about my game. The names were just for us to play. I didn’t realize it was crazy then. It was just a game.

I let Lanna take over for a while. I couldn’t stand to be Anna most of the time. Lanna learned how to be a baker. Anna had no Idea what was going on. All I knew was that I had come to in front of my boss, my reality had changed. My sanity started to come back. I began to come back to me, a terrified child. Producers had many theories about what had happened because for a time, I had no idea. Producers decided I must have been hypnotized and gave me a memory to watch.

The air hung heavy with clouds of cigarette smoke shining blue and yellow, then red and green. Party lights cut through the room as I am led to the dance floor by the Hypnotist. Murmuring words in my ear he takes me underneath and molds my mind to his command. Around and around and Around he spins me. He was moving my moral compass backwards, spinning my ethics and my conscience. Turning my vision until I was blind and without scruples . My moral compass was twisted by the end of the dance. I had been flipped and the hypnotist was satisfied.

Hypnotist didn’t count on my poor hearing. So when he uttered the release phrase, it fell on my almost deaf ears and my mind wasn’t let go. I stayed with my compass pointed selfishly inward and it didn’t move from that point until my boss released me ten years later.

This is the theory Producers told me. It made sense at the time. Especially when I met another hypnotist that used his powers to burn my skin and taught me to dance. The problem with these theories from Producers is that I believe them. But no one believed me. So I stumbled through life trying to figure out who I am, really. What is real and what is delusion. Tried to find bae Bae’s Murderers as all around me strangers called me friend before they pointed and laughed.

 

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