“PASS THE BUCK ALONG”
“You don’t have to always pass the buck along.”
For some reason I heard those words and I snapped. I had been wallowing underneath reality in a pit of lonely madness for sometime. Those words pierced the veil shrouding my mind and a piece of me snapped back into place. They brought me up one level. One level closer to sanity.
“You don’t always have to PASS THE BUCK ALONG Anna!”
I came up and I was standing in the bakery, my boss staring at me with anger on his face. He was pissed at me. I had made a mistake and she had blamed another employee. A piece of me had come back though, so I knew the right thing to do. I looked at him, and I understood. Things changed, and my reality changed. I was coming back to being me, coming back to sanity.
I was scared though. Really Fucking Scared. Scared of all the people and faces around me. Everyone had all these expectations of me, because she could do them. But I couldn’t. She by the way, was me and also not me. She is gone now, I am just me all the time. Anna (me), Lanna (Boss Bitch), Lissa (Sweet Dove), Lexi (Athlete), and Quincey (Detective). They were a game I played. I would put on different colors or costumes depending on who’s turn it was to play. Anna didn’t get to play very often. But All of them answered to Anna anyway. No one else knew about my game. The names were just for us to play. I didn’t realize it was crazy then. It was just a game.
I let Lanna take over for a while. I couldn’t stand to be Anna most of the time. Lanna learned how to be a baker. Anna had no Idea what was going on. All I knew was that I had come to in front of my boss, my reality had changed. My sanity started to come back. I began to come back to me, a terrified child. Rich had many theories about what had happened because for a time, I had no idea. Rich decided I must have been hypnotized and gave me a memory to watch.
The air hung heavy with clouds of cigarette smoke shining blue and yellow, then red and green. Party lights cut through the room as I am led to the dance floor by the Hypnotist. Murmuring words in my ear he takes me underneath and molds my mind to his command. Around and around and Around he spins me. He was moving my moral compass backwards, spinning my ethics and my conscience. Turning my vision until I was blind and without scruples . My moral compass was twisted by the end of the dance. I had been flipped and the hypnotist was satisfied.
Hypnotist didn’t count on my poor hearing. So when he uttered the release phrase, it fell on my almost deaf ears and my mind wasn’t let go. I stayed with my compass pointed selfishly inward and it didn’t move from that point until my boss released me ten years later.
This is the theory Rich told me. It made sense at the time. Especially when I met another hypnotist. The problem with these theories from Rich is that I believed them. But no one believed me. So I stumbled through life trying to figure out how to become sane again, as all around me strangers pointed and laughed.