I went to the ear specialist today. The Dr. was a total asshole. First he treated me like a nutter, then he acted like I was an idiot. Before he even looked at my ears, he mentally checked me off and scooted me under the hypochondriac list.
THEN HE LOOKED IN MY EARS.
He didn’t say a word. He just got up from his stool and began hooking up a lighted ear camera. He cursed at the laptop before pushing it towards me.
So I did. Where an eardrum should have been, there was nothing. A ridge of scar tissue was barely visible and I had only one unbroken bone left in my inner ear. Out of the three ossicles one remained intact. I looked at the space where the bones should have been. I felt nothing. He showed me the left. Only half of it remained. Slashed across scar tissue marring the eardrum it stretched almost entirely across the bottom. I said nothing.
I wept because I have been saying there was something wrong for years and NO ONE BELIEVED ME.
In high school I went to a specialist. They told me I had no eardrum and needed surgery.
The surgery was an impossible expense. I was told by my parents that the ear drum would grow back. So I fucking believed that bullshit.
I was practically deaf, but somehow I was muddling through. Alternatives weren’t investigated. No one even acted like it was a big deal. So I thought that it wasn’t anything that would effect me.
See, I have had ear nose and throat infections my entire life. During the years that language is absorbed, I couldn’t hear it. I read it. I could speak, but I didn’t hear so I never understood quite right.
My whole life I was almost completely deaf and had no Idea because I didn’t know I was supposed to be Hearing more.
Dr. stood up and I began to ask him questions. He told me he didn’t know and walked away as I wept for the wasted time of my life.
Stopping at the door, he turned around and looked at me.
“You had to have known. This can’t be a shock.”
I had thought I had hearing loss. But If I had never heard better than I do, how on earth would I know I was supposed to? I think Dr. is an asshole and I think that to all those mother fuckers out there that have been cruel to me, mocked me. Belittled me and talked shit on me. Acted like I was a liar while I was trying to figure out what happened. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ASSHOLES DIDNT BELIEVE ME.