Welcome to the fucking club

It is the obsession of every young mind that they are in possession of all important knowledge on earth.

Thanks to my mind and memories taking hiatus for a bit I have seen the world in a new light. It isn’t harsh and judgmental.

This light is bright and wild and above all it is compassionate.  I used to think nobody would understand. That there was nobody I could talk to that would get it. Now, specifically to my absurdly unique situation, no. I don’t suppose very many people go through life aware that hearing people is hard but unaware that they are almost completely deaf as I did. But I am sure many people have felt isolated by who they are, as I did. There are not many people who wake up missing chunks of a decade from their mind. But I am sure that many people have nights they can’t remember, and have had consequences for actions they don’t recall. I understand.

If those words cross my lips, I do. I do not doubt that others think they understand. I do not doubt that people try.  I doubt people when they do not think things through, then respond. When they ask no questions I assume that they don’t care. If they don’t care, then they do not understand and they have just lied to me.

Say it isn’t a lie, and I will disagree.

“I understand”  means “I have considered what you have told me carefully from all points of view. I have thought of how I would react if I were in that situation. I have thought about the things you told me about your home life and upbringing and I have imagined how I would feel if I had that home life and upbringing and now I have thought about what you have just told me and I have understood your feelings”.

There is nothing that saddens me more than hearing “I understand” without even the smallest pause after I finish speaking. Why? Because it shows that the person wasn’t truly listening, they were just waiting for their turn to speak.

I want to know people for who they are. I have no interest In small talk, tell me your dreams. I get weather on my phone, let’s talk about what motivates you instead of cloudy skies.

I simply cannot wrap my head around how people with perfect hearing will sit in a circle and ignore each other in favor of Facebook. Somehow being in silence for a long time, helped me hear again. It is very hard and I have to focus, but it is worth it. I have spent my life not being able to follow conversations, and now I do not understand the things people waste words on. Waste time on. It is like they love the sound of their own voice so much they want to talk about their favorite blade of grass but they cannot talk about what motivates them, what truly matters to them, why they think what they think or why they love who they do.

Most of the time I don’t even get the answer to what they desire out of people. I ask them what they desire, and the answer is by far and away most often, “I don’t Know.”.

You don’t know? Do you think about it often?

“Not really.”

That is probably why you don’t know then.

To Rick: You helped me find the notes to sing on the floor with the stereo blasting. I love you for that. You will be my friend forever.

TO EVERYONE WHO MADE FUN OF ME AND DIDN’T BELIEVE ME;

FUCK THE FUCK OFF I AM NEVER CARING WHAT ANYONE THINKS EVER AGAIN

I am never accepting excuses from myself or any one else.

You have problems? Guess what, we all do!!

You want special treatment, fuck off.

NO ONE GETS SPECIAL TREATMENT I DIDN’T YOU DON’T

LIFE ISN’T FAIR

Welcome to the Fucking Club

GET OVER YOURSELF WE ALL HAVE TO.

Just saying. Real Shit

 

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